The Odd Amorous Adventures of the Gay Gingerbread Man Read online

  Thanks to my gifted grandson Jonathan van Butzelaar

  who did the cover illustration.

  Any resemblance to any persons

  living or dead is coincidental.

  Chapter 1

  Introduction

  Was it because he was the Gingerbread Man that one couldn’t catch him- But why would anyone want to catch him? Was he handsome? Was he sexy? Not exactly. Sometimes he had a beard, sometimes not. He said that he had a beard when he wanted to hide. From whom? From all those women that were running after him. How about the men? It seems that he was only a Gingerbread can’t catch me man for women. He liked being caught by men, so this story is about his adventures with the opposite sex. We know very little about that part of his life that dealt with his own sex, so we have not written very much about that here.

  The Gingerbread Man had kept up the long hair fashion of the 70’s, when he was young and his running days began. His hair was long all round with a small bald patch on top. Most unfortunate, especially that as the years went on, his hair style did not change but the bald patch grew, it grew larger and larger but did not make him look any less attractive because his charm made his faults invisible. Once he was conscious of the tremendous advantages of his charm, he began using it quite early in his career. His early years are a bit misty, he never talked much about them. Besides waiting at tables, he went to university and worked at KFC.

  I forgot to mention his twinkly blue eyes. All those he charmed mention the twinkly blue eyes that accompanied his smile. No one mentions his shapely legs. These days shapely legs are not in fashion. It’s bottoms all round. Bottoms are often mentioned and are regarded as the most important part of a man’s anatomy. This is unfortunate, because once upon a time legs were IN. What about Betty Grable and the Second World War? Would we have won the war without her legs in every soldier’s locker room, to encourage him to fight and not only for liberty? What about Henry V111 and his famous jousting legs. No one looked at Henry’s bottom then. In any case looking at someone’s bottom when jousting on a horse would have required considerable effort. Henry was regarded as a handsome figure of a man, not because of his bottom, but because of his legs. Unfortunately, our Gingerbread Man was born four hundred years too late. So, he must rely on his charm and his twinkly eyes, every day of the week except Sundays. As will be noted later, Sundays he reserved for his special person of the moment. Then he would put on his shorts (he was not unaware of his shapely legs) and go tramping around the countryside with his legs and special person. I hope this is enough to bowl you over, if it did, you are by no means alone.

  That is all mundane and uninteresting stuff, but what about sex? Great legs and twinkly eyes, no matter how blue do not make up for the real thing – surely, he was not always chaste? The story of his early sex life is more or less as follows. The reason it is less rather than more is because the information was obtained during a conversation about something else, namely could a man be raped? The rather innocent university girl with a limited imagination (obviously only recently come out from a convent boarding school) said a man could definitely not be raped. Well, said our Gingerbread man, I once had to run away from a man in a car and you are wrong. That was all he said so did something happen or did the fiddling about in the car fail? There was also another girl during his years at university who had not gone to a convent and was rather more conversant with sex than the first one. This was his first experience and he remarked once it was all over, he went and sat on the roof of the university residence and thought to himself, that was easy, I can do this anytime I want to. An odd comment. Why would he doubt that he could do this any time he wanted to? This is the first indication that all is not what it seems. That is all we know of his early encounters with sex. Although the above information is not a part of his later adventures and can hardly be regarded as “racy” (unless you had just left a convent boarding school) it had to be included because in this tale, chaste at no time meant impotent.

  His first conquest was the daughter of a wealthy Italian building contractor in Perth. He himself came from a lower class of gingerbread whose origins he kept to himself, all we do know is his parents did not think it necessary for a Gingerbread man to be given a watch so how they thought he could tell what the time was we can’t imagine. Sometimes he would boast of his lonely French godmother, smelling as she did, of Chanel No.5, whom he visited in Paris. The size of the Eiffel Tower he found impress but does not enlighten his listeners with additional information. What about the Louvre? What about Versailles? What about telling us how he got such an upper crust godmother when his parents couldn’t even buy him a watch? On his father’s side he came from good convict stock, of course – did I mention this story is set in Australia? Well, it is and in Australia coming from convict stock adds a touch of not exactly class, but interesting antecedents. An additional touch was the great-grandfather who bravely fought at Gallipoli. He had neither convict, Gallipoli nor French connections. But his stories still stirred the heart, he was so adroit at telling them, which he did, now and then, when his charm needed a bit of a hands-up, so to speak.

  Chapter 2

  Perth- South of the River

  Our Gingerbread Man had quite definite ideas of what qualities he needed in his wife. The most important was that she had to be gay. The wealthy Italian contractor’s good- looking daughter fitted the bill. Her name was Maria, with dark eyes, dark hair and a suspicious disposition. An additional plus was that the family were Catholics. He had for some years fancied Catholicism, a religion where no would cast any aspersions on your sex life if you were a priest, or so he then thought. It also didn’t hurt that the Italian contractor’s signs were all over the building sites of Cockburn, a suburb south of the city of Perth, reiterating the importance of his catch. The family Cottesloe residence was also a plus as was their holiday cottage at Margaret River (a double storey with a lift for the grandparents who are no longer as young as they used to be). He becomes engaged to Maria, despite the dark looks directed at him from her now and then. What happened next was unexpected. She stayed by his side for a couple of months and then became skittish and -she ran away from him! To Hong Kong! Perhaps the idea of a gay woman marrying a gay man was not her idea of heaven. He suspected her parents may have had a hand in this as well. After all he was penniless and as we stated, came from a lower class of gingerbread while the prominent property developer, Maria’s father is an important man in the Perth community. From then on, his second criterion for woman to be marriageable material, was that the relatives of any woman he married must live as far away as possible from the happy couple. He has made a mistake but these were early days yet and he has not yet honed his craft.

  Chapter 3

  Tamworth

  So, while still in his twenties he meets up with another gay lady with rich parents. Linda was young, gay and not at all pretty but after the interlude of the Hong Kong runaway, good looks are avoided and never become a part of his agenda again. This time he makes sure the parents will not interfere. Where should they go after the wedding? He rather fancies Tamworth-it has a great music festival and our Gingerbread Man is musical, always interested in choirs and often singing along with his pleasant voice. Linda would go anywhere with him, so it’s settled. Linda buys him a watch. The newly married couple then move to Tamworth in New South Wales, as far away from her Perth relatives as possible. Her parents buy them a house in Tamworth, furnish it, buy them a car and all is ready for the Wisteria to grow over the white picket fence and fragrant old- fashioned roses to bedeck the garden. The picture is complete when they have a lovely little
boy whom our Gingerbread Man calls Nicholas. He said he had wanted many more little boys (his second one was to be called Christopher) but it was not to be. No girl’s names were ever mentioned so we are not sure what would have happened had a little girl appeared instead of Nicholas.

  By this time, it must be apparent this was a gay Gingerbread Man who swung both ways, as one might put it. So why not admit it, be happy and leave the girls alone? For some reason, gay men did not fall for him, although there were the odd exceptions. Next to his house in Tamworth lives a married man, Hugh, who spends more time with the Gingerbread Man than with his wife. He liked the twinkly eyes, perhaps even the shapely legs and from what follows, much else about our hero. Hugh was born in Tamworth and so knows all tramping around places in the vicinity of Tamworth. On Sundays, they go to Nundle where they would fossick for zircons and quartz crystals, but had no luck in finding sapphires, much to our hero’s disappointment. Sometimes they even spotted specks of gold in the creeks leading to the Peel River. Altogether a pleasurable way to spent Sundays. There were numerous such scenic weekends. Even the holidays they spent together. On one of these they go to Sydney to see the sights, our Gingerbread Man never having been further than Perth before all these adventures in New South Wales. Hugh’s wife and Linda are never invited to tag along. His wife understands what is happening when they finished fossicking in Nundle and finishing seeing the sights in Sydney. She starts divorce proceedings. But this our hero regards as an unimportant incident. The Gingerbread Man protesting that it is hardly his fault that her husband preferred coming home to him rather than to her. At this point in his life he is not looking so much for companionship as for puffing up his ego, and some freebies. Those years with Linda were initially just as he likes things to be. Linda was there for adoration, Hugh for intimacy and additional adoration and Linda’s parents for all the goodies. Nothing was missing, even the pots and pans were all present and correct.

  Look what he got so far (and still only in his late-twenties)-a mortgage free, furnished house! A car too, unfortunately second hand but still a free car. All this, of course, did come with Linda and then the baby. The baby would prove to be a useful cover for him (what a cute little boy, what a doting father!!!) but the lady next door was not the only one to be upset at the relationship of the Gingerbread Man with her husband. Linda proves to be of a fragile disposition and suffers from post-natal depression. She cries all the time, then has a breakdown and they divorce. She now lives in an apartment in Perth, is supported by her parents and (according to the Gingerbread Man) never changes out of her pyjama top. What she wears at the bottom he never mentions. Her parents let him stay in the house in Tamworth-after all he is living there with their grandson.

  Being a single father suits him. He can say what he likes about the deficiencies of Linda and no one can contradict him. On the contrary, his heroic efforts in bring up his son alone, despite his financial difficulties evoke feelings of admiration in the fast beating hearts of the female staff at the primary school where he now teaches. Unfortunately, his work there was over after a few years- he never says why. He gets another job. What exactly his work is at this new job, he never says. There is something underhand about it, but as he explained, the factory burnt down, all the records were destroyed and no one can prove anything against him. It was all about some missing typewriters (before your time obviously). These were machines you wrote letters on. You plonked down hard on the keys and if you made a mistake there was no spell check and bother, you had to start all over again from the beginning. Now that job is gone and he is hard up.

  So, the best he can do is find a high-powered woman with a great salary. He finds Carol, a well - paid accountant in her late thirties. Regrettably, not only is she married but she also has three children, a seventeen-year-old daughter and two sons. Great charm works of course, she buys him a watch, leaves her husband but the children come with her. All are in their teens -did the Gingerbread Man imagine that they could all live happily together in his little un-mortgaged house? Parents of first wife now irate that he is living in Linda’s house with his second wife! Carol is not gay and he finds the whole marriage rather trying. He might be able to do it any old time, as he reminisced while on the university roof, but that does not mean he wants to do it any old time. In addition, he sees her naked brushing her teeth, and this is a bit too much for him. Rather inexplicably, Carol’s three children do not fall for his great charm. A typically cynical bunch of teenagers. On top of which Nicholas does not take to Carol. Chaos ensues and Carol and children go back to first husband. It is, of course all the fault of four-year- old Nicholas, or so his father says. Then Linda’s parents take back house, take back furniture and take back car. Naturally, Carol still loves only him (what did you expect?) and reappears many years later, after her husband dies, inherits his estate, is much richer but she still has those children and does not realise that he is now chaste. So, it’s no, no, no. She leaves, disappointed and does not enter our story again.

  Chapter 4

  Wollongong

  Our Gingerbread Man now has no house, no furniture, no car and no income! He has had a rather hard time in Tamworth so runs off to Wollongong. Why Wollongong? Is it the scenery? Is it the groves of cabbage tree palms in Stanwell Park or the small but picturesque harbour built by convicts? No, the reason that he is in Wollongong is that is where he manages to obtain a job. He is earning some money now but in his case a teacher’s job in a primary school does not even run to necessities it seems, like buying a car. Never mind, another teacher sells him her old car at a bargain price. Must we add the word “she” here or is this beginning to be self-evident? The car, as stated was sold to him, rather than given to him, showing incomplete adoration, an unacceptable situation. What he wants is complete adoration and the odd freebies that the women who adore him can’t resist in buying him, like a watch.

  On the subject of watches, a deep mystery now arises. Why does he never wear a watch? Is it because he, poor Gingerbread Man, is poverty stricken as he always seems to be and can’t afford to buy one? Why, if he has no watch is he never late for class? Does he perhaps, secretly have one is his pockets somewhere? It appears that there are two things that our hero never admits to, the first one is being gay and the second is being in possession of a watch. Watches, as we shall see are one of his perennial freebies. What does he do with them? Is he perhaps waiting for Patek Phillipe Nautilis (only $75 000) to materialise? Let’s wait and see. Rolex watches are not exclusive enough for him.

  To understand how he operates, let us follow him as he enters, newly employed, the staff room of his primary school in this case, in Wollongong. He stands at the door and with his twinkly blue eyes surveying the room. Whom does he approach? Is it:

  The luscious blonde teacher with the silicone implants in her come-hither bosom on his right, already giving him a once over. They have lots of them in Wollongong, not only in pubs but at schools as well (bet you never knew that).

  The small slight woman with the messy hair, rimless glasses, and a slightly worried look?

  The fat, fatter, fattest woman sitting alone to his left?

  The lady with the red eyes blowing her nose into a handkerchief?

  Can it be the not -too- bad- looking male teacher, the only other man in the staff room?

  Or is it the woman who looks gay (he has a practised eye) pouring herself some tea at the table in front of him?

  He places them into four categories. These are: immediate dismissal, later investigation, to be avoided at all costs, and last but not least- immediate action. The luscious blonde is immediately discarded. Whatever problems she has and however unhappy she may be while he is at the school, she will expect sexual reciprocity from him. Not only will she expect it, but being savvy in this respect, might rumble to the fact that he is gay rather than celibate. After the incident of Carol, brushing her teeth in the nude, sex is out as far as our chaste Gingerbread Man is concerned. We can delete the luscious
blonde. The second possibility, the small slight woman he puts down as someone he might investigate further. After all, the worried look might be the result of her not being quite certain whether she left the stove on this morning rather than an indication that that her husband is on the point of leaving her for the luscious blonde. But you never know, so she is worth investigating later. The lady with the red eyes blowing her nose might just be a case of hay fever in need of medication rather than one in need of a dose of his sympathy, rendered with a large dollop of irresistible charm. He makes a mental note - she too could be a possibility later.

  What of the only male teacher on the staff? There in gets a bit tricky. If the man is straight, then it will engender no problems for our hero- they will just have manly conversations together (whatever these might be). However, if he turns out to be gay, it could prove problematic, especially if he is open about it and can’t understand why the Gingerbread Man is so evasive (at this point we can’t understand either but enlightenment will surely come). He might well blow the Gingerbread Man’s cover and spoil his life in Wollongong forever! Hopefully, it will not come to this.

  We now come to the Lesbian teacher pouring out her cup of tea. Could she be a marriageable possibility? Certainly, if her nearest and dearest are on the other side of the Indian or the Pacific Oceans. His experience in Tamworth showed him that even if they live on the other side of the Australian continent, it is still too close for his comfort. This is unlikely so he did not hold out much hope. She turns around, takes one look at him and knows all but is tactful and says nothing.

  What has been left out of all this is the lady that he does make a beeline for in the school staff room and that is the fat, fatter, fattest one in the corner, Belinda. She, he reasons, is certain to be totally miserable. Why? Well, is there anyone who weighs 140 kilos happy in our society? Aren’t such people constantly badgered by friends, relatives and doctors to lose weight? A husband is unlikely to add to the badgering. It is doubtful that she has one, unless someone married her in her thin teenage years. All she now hears is: Go on diet, go on diet or you will drop dead from a heart attack, lose your toes from Diabetes, get swollen ankles and worst of all, never find any clothes that fit you! She does try, she really does but no diet seems to work.